urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46 Ness Ness 2008-12-31T07:40:46Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:37160 2008-12-31T07:40:46Z 2008-12-31T07:40:46Z I don't know anymore. 23. that right. and i feel unsure, but sure at the same time. i like myself, but i hate myself at the same time. i take a lot of deep breathes these days. i stare off into space, and wonder what have i become, what do i have to show. and at this point i can say pretty much nothing. what good is talent when it bring compliments, but doesn't bring you any closer to a stable life. i want it all, and i want it now, but how do you get IT now, you have to work your ass off.but what if you don't know what you really want IT to be. What if you think its success, or to just be happy. Man, am i just confused in the head, (laugh) how do i even begin. My head does what it wants, its constantly thinking, thinking, thinking, oh ya and thinking. It just wont let me be, even for one day. My dreams of the great things i want turn around and chase me in my sleep. I wake up as if i never slept at all sometimes. I want to help everyone. Why is that, does it really make me feel better, or is it how i fulfill my life, by getting my jollies off helping other, ya that's probably it. Why, because i get some praise for being a "nice" person. Maybe it has to do with being the middle child. I used to be the baby, but then my little sister was born. And maybe the only way i get the attention that i want is from being a nice person.Or maybe when im loud, and out outlandish, maybe i like that attention too. I guess i want to be seen and heard, and just recognized in this big world. Who doesn't want to be seen, does anyone really want to be born and live a life that no one cares about. That's not a life at all in my eyes. I am just a bitter, cynical person in my head. And there my mind goes wandering again, just thinking and going in another direction, i can't even finish this without being distracted by my own head. But my heart is a whole other issue. What can i say about hearts, or just my heart. My heart is passionate, irrational, and just a red thing that pumps blood sometimes.But it helps my head play tricks on me, it psyches me out even when there's no reason for such cruel acts. Why would my heart tel me to love when love hurts me so much. How could my heart allow me to feel jealousy, it because my head lets it happen(laugh) there i go ranting like a fool. i love it i dont even know anymore. But as normal or messed up as i am, i know a few things for certain. i love my family and friends, and i love my bf, and all the people in my life i care about really support me and this crazy head of mine. and what more could i ask for right now? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:37091 2008-10-16T19:46:55Z 2008-10-16T19:46:55Z Nous sommes loups almost 23 yrs old. injured from working towards a dream. but dreams change when you get injured and you need to re-adjust you life and think about how your too young to be hurt like this. so after three long yrs in the restraunt industry, all the long hours, all the bull shit, all the hard work,the cuts, the tears, the mass drinking and cigarette intake. well its time to move forward, and think about what i really want in life to make me happy. i guess as ive gotten older i realize that my dream to be a pastry chef has just changed to me bein happy and sucessful while working with food, and really just making what i want. And as long as i can be creative and produce food that makes people happy, and shows my passion, then thats all i need. i dont need to be some master chef that works 15 hr days, and has no life but their job. i have things in life that i want to do besides work. we only live once, so why be miserable, i want to have fun, and i want to work hard to get what i want. <br /><br />-Vanessa urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:36650 2007-02-18T08:39:00Z 2007-02-18T10:02:00Z lily allen life starting from august 2005..<br />- moved to san fran for the baking and pastry school<br />-met a cool guy<br />-made some awsome friends<br /><br />2006...<br />-got my first pastry job<br />-graduated school<br />-moved in with cool guy<br />-we moved to burlingame<br />-got a new job in pastry<br />-am madly inlove with my job and my cool guy<br />-got a kitten w/ cool guy<br />-return kitten(it destroyed our apartment)<br />-turn 21<br />-new pastry job, again, lol<br /><br />2007...<br />-breakup with cool guy<br />-heart broken<br />-quit my job<br />-move back to so cal for one week<br />-moved back to burlingame<br />-work in pastry in oakland<br />-now moving to san fran with cook friend from culinary school<br />-cool guy is leaving for hawaii tomorrow to get away from it all<br />-mixed emotions about life<br /><br />currently trying to survive the shock of my break up and carrying on with my career, and trying to figure out what to do with my life now that its taken a totally differnt direction than i thought, and im just gona not plan anything anymore, im just going to work, hav a good time, and try to live it up being 21 in san fran urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:36227 2006-07-15T19:01:32Z 2006-07-15T19:01:32Z no life, no friend, no time for anything but work....i miss so cal urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:36069 2006-06-01T01:14:24Z 2006-06-01T01:14:24Z so me n reno got a new place to live, its in burling game, about 15 min outside the city. and im really happy, im sick of seeing bums, and fucked up crack bums, and sluts everywhere. lol so ya, things in life are hard cause i hav to pay for eveything,but its ok, cause i knw that im doin it on my own, and thats wat counts. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:35701 2006-05-26T16:48:54Z 2006-05-26T16:48:54Z damone:out here all night well im tryin to get out of the ghetto, and i got a new job which im happy at , im so glad i quit my other job, it was like slave labor, i basically did two peoples job, and i was gettin paid less then the dishwasher, so that was good enough reason for me to quit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:35331 2006-04-30T20:56:01Z 2006-04-30T20:56:01Z i got my certificate yesterday in Baking and pastry, and i got one of those awsomely dorky lookin chef hats! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:35282 2006-04-28T19:03:12Z 2006-04-28T19:03:12Z jacks mannequin tomorrow mouring i get my certificate in baking and pastry, im pretty excited, and my parents get to meet renos mom, how exciting(not, lol) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:34867 2006-04-15T09:13:07Z 2006-04-15T09:14:29Z ben folds five: brick i hav so much on my mind right now, obviously, because its almost 2 am, and i cant sleep. i hope no-one ever has to feel what i feel from my family. i havent felt like ive belonged to my "family" in a long time, and as much as i missed them, i moved to san francisco to get away from the pain, but everytime i talk to my mom on the phone its a constant put down. Today was the ultimate breaking point. I just called her because i was excited that im gona be getin some vacation time, and u would think that she would just be happy to hear that, but nope, it was her telling me shes worried about me, and yes thats nomral, but she cant control my life anymore, im an adult. oh ya shes worried about ridiculous things like,, if i get sick, wat am i goin to do, "oh ya, i take myself to the doctor, and i hav the love of my life to take care of me."and she doesnt want me to hav a "tough" life, and because of the career ive chosen i will, and i knw that, but she wants diff. things for me, and its just like evertime i talk to her the rage inside comes out, i mean she cant fuckin let go, she wants me to move closer so she can feel less worried. But the feeling i had today as i was angerly walkin down market st. in san francisco, was that feeling of "WTF", i just want a family, i just want to not cry right here in the streets of san francisco, while frantically yelling at my mother over the phone. i lover her to death, i can handle the fact that she supports me as a person, but she cant handle the fact that i am achieving my ultimate goal of becoming a patry chef. i knw im ranting, but all ive ever needed was for her to understand that <br />no.1 im not coming back home<br />2. i am goin to be a pastry chef(i wont hav a fucking desk job)<br />3. im not coming home urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:34681 2006-03-31T22:55:09Z 2006-03-31T22:55:09Z i finished school at the california culinary academy, and its really awsome, i love not gettin up at 6 am for school, i like workin til mdnight and then comin home to sleep til the afternoon, its awsome. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:34515 2006-02-23T05:15:35Z 2006-02-23T05:15:35Z i got a job at a restaraunt called "la suite", its really awsome, and a lot of hard work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:34251 2006-02-06T23:32:53Z 2006-02-06T23:32:53Z peaches:kickit i started my first day of my new class, my teacher is awsome, shes like crazy/ artsy lady with a wandering mind. and like its so awsome the stuff were gona get to do, we get to make pulled sugar roses this week, which are gona be all shiny and hopefully mostly realistic if i dont screw up too bad. but ya the class is awsome, and i cant wait to see the stuff i end up making urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:34029 2006-02-03T20:31:57Z 2006-02-03T20:31:57Z the deftones:change well, today was the last day of another class, and i start my show piece and confectionary class on monday, meaning i only hav six weeks of school left. its so amazing how my life is just passing me by, and in less then a year ive learned the skills for the career of my dreams. and im really happy that ive been enjoying this school experience for the last 6 months. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:33626 2006-01-20T01:38:40Z 2006-01-20T01:38:40Z Panic at the disco So i only have two months of school left , and im pretty freaked out.<br />But its all good, because i dont hav to live at home, and i get to eat delicious fattening pastries and desserts every day. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:33434 2005-11-01T01:15:36Z 2005-11-01T01:16:01Z black eyed peas its halloween and its time to have some fun, so im heading for the castro tonight. it should be interesting urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:33256 2005-10-31T08:00:33Z 2005-11-01T01:14:13Z death cab for cutie:summer skin its been like forever, but i've been in san fran for over two months now, im really enjoying it, im prob gona be stayin up here . ive learned so much in my baking and pastry classes. and i celebrated my 20th b-day on oct. 24th with some good friends, we got drunk and had a lil hooka. and i really miss all my freinds bak home, but ill hopefully b home for the holidays. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:32786 2005-07-28T15:39:19Z 2005-07-28T15:39:19Z fallout boy:saturday im leaving for san francisco today!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:32657 2005-06-29T00:38:48Z 2005-06-29T00:38:48Z Off to san francisco-<br /><br />Just knowing how good ive got it sometimes makes it even more scary to leave this place. i've got everything i need here, i got some kick ass friends that will never leave my side and i have so much fun with them and i just dont know how im gona get through the next six months without being able to just walk across the street to my best friend kurts house, or call up lauren and tel her to come to my house randomly so we can go get chicken soft tacos, or those random trips to vons with kathy(where we end up buying random krap like fruit snacks or pringles).<br /><br />thanks guys for making this yr so eventful and and every moment that we have shared has made my life what it is....which is freakin awsome. lol urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:32354 2005-03-02T00:39:23Z 2005-03-02T00:39:23Z Bright eyes: Hit the switch I cant wait until i go away to school. Im glad ill be missed and all, but stayin in this house is driving me crazy. And its not like i want to go away forever, i just need a break from simi valley. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:32244 2005-02-22T04:01:38Z 2005-02-22T04:01:38Z Death Cab for Cutie: Transatlanticism Have u ever felt that emptiness, that feeling like u knw nothing is right, and it just cant get better because u keep getting pulled back down, no matter how hard u try, no matter how nice u are, no matter what u do, u feel some type of happiness, but cant stay that way, everyone dissapoints you, you have no idea what is happening to ure life and u wish u just had somethin to grab onto to keep u from falling down deeper, my life is like spinning outta control at times or just going no where at others... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:31760 2005-01-20T06:20:39Z 2005-01-20T20:11:14Z Senses Fail:Your cute when you scream So much has happened to me in such a short time... on new years my friend kathy got drunk and threw up in my car( it freakin sucked!!!)... the guy i was seein was cheatin on me the whole time...and i hav to retake math...i stil work at macy's ...and life generally seems to get worse...but all i can do is hope for the best. <br /><br />Unspoken truths:<br /><br />A river of unspoken words falls from my eyes,<br /> a rush of hatred spills from my heart, <br />the pain of disappointment still fresh in my mind,<br /> while the ideas of revenge fill the air. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:31693 2005-01-01T06:37:07Z 2005-01-01T06:37:07Z The Postal Service:The district sleeps alone tonite with all the shit that i've been through this year...all the good and bad...im just glad that i made it.I can only hope that things will get better, but who know...my life could either continue to spiral futher into more craziness or my life will turn around and be awsome. I can only wait....<br /><br />HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!<br />-thanks to everyone who changed my life... for the better or for the worse. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:31434 2004-12-25T06:24:08Z 2004-12-25T06:24:08Z Atreyu:bleeding mascara MERRY X-MAS urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:30998 2004-12-12T00:19:18Z 2004-12-12T00:19:18Z Senses Fail:NJ falls into the Atlantic Over reacted, over aggravated…over this shit from you, let me be, cant you see, I am what I want to be.<br /><br />December 11, 2004 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:skaterchick46:30731 2004-12-05T00:01:35Z 2004-12-05T00:01:35Z Senses Fail:Your cute when u scream I got a snowboard today!!!!